n my early teens, as my ability to think abstractly and to question began to develop, the question that arose within my mind was this: is there more to life than what I see with my eyes, hear with my ears, feel with my fingers?  Is there anything beyond the immediate material world?  Within my heart I was certain that there must be, but I had no idea what it was or how to discover it. There was a need within me to get at the root of the question of life - the underlying purpose of existence, both of existence in general and, more acutely, my own existence in particular.  I remember standing in the front room of our house, looking out of the window, and saying to myself, "I'm looking for something that I will never find."

Fortunately, I was wrong.  I did find the answer that I was looking for, but it took a while, and it was a tedious and sometimes painful journey.  In the following I give a summary of the major paths that I investigated and my conclusions as to the value of each one.

theism is the belief that there is no god (from the two Greek words 'a' indicating the negative, and 'theos' meaning 'god'). Is this a logically sustainable position? To be so it must be possible to prove it. I asked myself, "What proof can there be that there is NOT a god?". The normal line of reasoning on this subject runs something like this: "If there were a god then such-and-such would be the case". For example: "If there were a god, surely there would be no wars and no natural catastrophes that make life so miserable for so many people." At first sight there seems to be some merit in this argument, but on closer examination it becomes clear that there is an underlying assumption that a god must behave in a certain way. In the example above, the speaker assumes that a god must always prevent disasters from occurring in his world. For sure, it would be wonderful to live in a world where we were protected so well, but we have to recognise that this definition of god is based not upon knowledge but upon either an assumption or an aspiration or a desire. It may just as easily be based upon a cynical attitude at whose heart is the thought: "Life is not as I would like it to be, so if there is a god, I resent the fact that he has not looked after me as I think he should have, so I refuse to believe in him."

The downfall of the atheist's position is that it is not possible to prove that there is no god, either in logic or in science. The fact that nearly every culture in the world acknowledges some type of god or is involved in some form of worship means that the evidence for the existence of a god or gods far outweighs any evidence to the contrary. I concluded in the light of this that I could not be an atheist, as it was impossible to be certain that there is no god.

he term "agnostic" was coined by the scientist T.H. Huxley. Reason told him that it was impossible to know that there is no god, so he could not describe himself as an atheist. He also took the view that it is impossible to know that there IS a god, or gods. He, therefore, designated himself an agnostic (from the two Greek words 'a' indicating the negative, and 'gnosis' meaning 'knowledge'). He had concluded that it is not possible to know whether there is or is not a god, or gods.

For many years I also considered myself to be an agnostic. I thought the type of story-book Christianity that I had known in childhood to be unworthy of serious deliberation, and I knew nothing of any other religions, so this seemed to me to be a satisfactory position to adopt. However, as I was engaged in a quest for truth and a search for the reality beyond the material world, it could be no more than a temporary resting place. At some stage I would have to move on.

was brought up to attend church services on Sunday mornings, but I must confess that I found the experience empty, meaningless, and irrelevant. I whiled away much of the time by examining the three impressive stained glass windows that dominated the front of the church building, just behind the choir. The three figures depicted so artistically were labeled Michael, Gabriel, and Charity. Who they were, and why they were there, was never explained to me, and neither did I ask. It seemed to me not to be important.

At an early age I concluded that Christianity was not the way. What I saw and experienced was merely a formality. There was no substance to it. The questions of life were not answered. Those who embraced the religion had no more wisdom, understanding, or power than those who did not. I concluded that Christianity was merely a cultural religion and that if I were to find the answer to my big question, I would have to look elsewhere.

y investigation into Buddhism was not particularly deep, I must confess. My view of it was that it required you to shave your head, wear a saffron robe, live in a monastery, and spend lots of time in meditation. I couldn't see myself fitting into that mould.

My understanding of the principal beliefs of Buddhism was that each one of us exists as a separate entity, but that our purpose is to become one with the ultimate being, and that in so doing our separateness ceases, as the separateness of a drop of water ceases when it falls into the ocean. The water still exists, but no longer as a separate entity. The material world has no lasting reality, but may be considered to be an illusion. The progress of the soul toward Nirvana involves many lifetimes in this illusory material world, through the process of re-incarnation, until the moment of enlightenment comes, and the loss of self for ever.

I was attracted to the Buddhist worldview because there was no need to believe in a personal god, and the concept of enlightenment appealed to me. However, I was repelled by the accounts I read of the practices of the tantric Buddhists of Tibet, and I also had no desire to don the saffron robe. I was open-minded about the question of re-incarnation, but I had a sense of urgency that made we want to find my answer in this life.

bought a translation of the Koran to see if I might find any answers there. I concluded that Islam was not the way when I read the description in the Koran of the Moslem paradise. Here the men sit about feasting while being waited upon by the women and mocking the souls of the infidels who are suffering in hell. I knew that such a way was certainly not for me, and I could not believe that the way of truth would be like this.

was fascinated by the occult. In my reading, I perceived that my personal quest was similar to the endeavours of many before me and many of my contemporaries. It seemed to me that answers could be found to all of the major questions of life, if only I could unlock the appropriate doors. This, of course, was the big problem. I read many things that I could not understand, and I had no-one to guide me. I read about spirit masters, and I concluded that if such beings did exist then I should be able to make contact with them through some form of meditation.

At this period in my journey I did not understand that there are both good and evil spiritual beings, and that the purpose of the evil ones is to control and to destroy. Without going into any detail, let me only note that as a result of my enquiry into the occult I found myself liable to bouts of the most terrifying depression. I remember being in the place where the thought of taking another breath was more than I could bear. I longed for death to come and put an end to my misery. In my ignorance I had allowed myself to become subject to evil spiritual forces whose purpose was to destroy me.


If you have ventured into the path of the occult in any way, I urge you to get out of it now, for this is not the way of truth and enlightenment, but of deception, darkness, and death.


read a number of books on psychology, primarily because I knew that I was a crazy, mixed-up kid, and I wanted to understand myself. I don't know whether I did actually understand myself more fully, but I certainly did learn that although psychology might be able to answer questions about personality and the functioning of the mind and the heart, it was of no value to me in addressing the big question about the meaning and purpose of life.


discovered the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu, and I loved it. I don't say that I understood it, but I loved it. I can't remember much about it now, as it is many years since I read it, but I remember the sense of rightness that I had about it. I didn't need to shave my head and wear a saffron robe; I didn't need to bow the knee to an angry god; I didn't need to join any organisation or society; all I needed to do was to get in tune with Tao. This appealed to my nature. I was also drawn to the off-beat but pragmatic wisdom of the legendary Chuang Tzu, and loved to read the accounts of how he dealt with the issues of life. Of all of the ways that I investigated, Taoism impressed me the most. Perhaps if I'd met someone who understood it and had been able to mentor me I might have been a Taoist today. However, that did not happen. I found enlightenment in a different way.


nlightenment came to me from an unexpected direction. My involvement with the occult had dumped me into a state of constant fear and bouts of unbearable suicidal depression. My quest for truth had been transformed into an urgent search for salvation from a state wherein I was in the grip of forces that (a) I did not understand and (b) I was unable to resist.

During this time I renewed my acquaintance with an old school friend. Although still struggling with some personal problems, he had found meaning and purpose in life through embracing Christianity. We spent much time debating the issues of life, he from a Christian perspective, and I from the perspective of a seeker who had fallen prey to evil spirits.

Two events at this time brought me to the door of the way of truth at last. The first was when my friend was speaking about Jesus coming into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, a few days before his crucifixion. As he spoke, he made the observation that Jesus was both alone and misunderstood. As he said these words, I had he distinct sense that someone other than my friend was speaking, and that he was speaking to my heart. The message being conveyed to me, but without words, was this: "I know that you're feeling alone and misunderstood, and I know where you're at, because I've been there too." I had never experienced anything like this before. I was aware that not a something but a someone was trying to communicate with me, and I had the very clear sense that whoever that someone might have been, they were on my side and had my best interests at heart.

The second event took place a few weeks later. I was walking home from a meeting with my friend and some other young people, and I had sunk into one of my suicidal depressions. In desperation, I said to myself: "You've tried everything else and nothing has worked for you. Why don't you try asking Jesus for help. You've got nothing to lose. If anything happens, it has to be better than this." I had no idea how to talk to Jesus or ask for his help, so I just cried out in my desperation. Almost at once I had the distinct sense that someone was there with me. I felt as if I was up to my waist in quicksand and sinking fast, but that a rope had been thrown to me, and I was pulling on the rope, trying to haul myself out of the quagmire. Without words, the following instruction was given to me, by whom I did not know. What I did know was that it was not my own thought. "Stop trying to pull yourself out and let me pull you out". I found myself able to stop trying and to simply relax and allow this unknown someone to do for me what I as unable to do for myself. At once, I felt the depression lifting. It was replaced by profound sense of well-being and of hope. I knew in my heart that something had changed. Something had happened that meant that my life would never be the same again. I did not understand it, but I had the sense that I had started a new journey. I began to say over and over again, "I accept Jesus Christ as my only lord and master".

his was only the beginning of my quest. I had tried many avenues that led only to confusion, darkness, or deception. I had, at long last, found the door to the true path of enlightenment. I had found the way of truth.